Tue, September 8, 1998

I'm getting near a very dangerous point in this entire thing. People have asked me how I'm holding up so well, where my strength is coming from. The extent to which it appears that I'm 'holding up' is only a reflection of the extent to which my built-in defenses have allowed me to avoid confronting the obvious - my child is dead.

I feel like I'm reaching the end of whatever bag of tricks I've been using to avoid my grief. There's a freight train right behind me on the tracks and it's catching up fast.

In the first few weeks up there and in the first few weeks down here, it's been easy to keep distracted. First off, I sleep a lot since my body is still recovering. Then, I'm busy a lot because Jean's not mobile, so I'm responsible for getting us around. And, there's the positive energy needed to help Lisa along, coupled with the excitement and joy in watching her recovery. Last, I've put myself into 'projects' like thinking about the Amy and Lisa Fund or the website.

But, in the clearings between those 'busy-ness' events, I get glimpses of the wall I'm inevitably going to hit.